A rare email from sister Jean -- very LOL

---

How to Fail Tests with Dignity

Boy, that dog needs a haircut (my first post of original humor!)

---

Frederick Fong was the last great detective. In the year 2556, bored with the state of crime -- Fong decided to go far into the future, and put himself into cold sleep.

To his dismay, however, he found himself subject to the demands of various law enforcement officials over the centuries, who would wake him from cold sleep and put their problems to him. Fong found this deeply annoying, especially since the cases were seldom any challenge. The art of crime, particularly murder, had been largely lost, as humanity aged.

In 3122, however, Lieutenant Alex Knight needed Fong's services to solve a case. It all depended on whether the murder victim's wound was caused by a dirk or a dagger. With that information, Knight could convict one suspect or the other. The 32nd century had no qualified forensic scientists, however. So Knight brought the body to the cold sleep facility, in order to minimize Fong's inconvenience. The Fong temper had become famous over the years.

Knight pushed the button that opened Fong's storage chamber, and in a few minutes, Fong was awake and angry. "What year is it?" When Knight told him, Fong' shouted "I don't want to wake up until the year 10,000! Stop bothering me! Or tell me what I have to do, to get you to leave me alone!!!"

Knight quickly explained the situation, and walked Fong over to the body, where Fong spent one minute examining the wound with the provided instruments.

Abruptly, Fong turned from the examining table, walked back to his storage chamber, and climbed in -- wearing a self-satisfied grin.

"Well?" Knight asked?

"It was a dirk, and store me, Knight."

How to write good

---

How to Write Good

We don't know where this came from, but some is derived from William Safire's Rules for Writers.

---

Always avoid alliteration. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. Avoid cliches like the plague—they're old hat. Employ the vernacular. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. Contractions aren't necessary. Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo. One should never generalize. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." Comparisons are as bad as cliches. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions. Avoid archaeic spellings too. Understatement is always best. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. One-word sentences? Eliminate. Always! Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. The passive voice should not be used. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before. Who needs rhetorical questions? Don't use commas, that, are not, necessary. Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively. Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice.

Subject and verb always has to agree. Be more or less specific. Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct. Use youre spell chekker to avoid mispeling and to catch typograhpical errers. Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before. Don't be redundant. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. Don't never use no double negatives. Poofread carefully to see if you any words out. Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. Eschew obfuscation. No sentence fragments. Don't indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions. A writer must not shift your point of view. Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be eliminated by rereading and editing. And always be sure to finish what Avoid run on sentences, subclauses should not be complete sentences, if a subclause is a complete sentence then make it a sentence instead. [HN] Eschew undulous hyperverbosity. [HN] Well writers know when "well" and "good" are appropriate. [HN]

From someone's collection of quotes

---

"AFrom someone's collection of quotes

"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand." - Anonymous

“There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.” - Donald Rumsfeld

"Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" - Mary Jane West (aka Mae West) in the movie Lady Lou

"I can read your mind like a book, and a bloody boring one at that." - Peter Cook

"Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!" - Anonymous

"To steal ideas from someone is plagiarism; to steal from many is research." - Anonymous

"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay." - Anonymous

"I used to have superpowers, but my therapists took them away." - Anonymous

"No, don't lock me in here with children! I'm not a people person. I'm barely a person!" - Denzel Crocker in Fairly Oddparents

"I've just kidnapped myself. Give me 1,000,000 dollars or you will never see me again." - Anonymous

"Smash head on keyboard to continue..." -Anonymous

"Some people are like slinkies... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one stumble down the stairs." - Anonymous

"If you could read my mind, you wouldn't be smiling." - Anonymous

"I didn't say it was your fault... I said I was going to blame YOU!" - Anonymous

Contributed by Nelson!

Warning: Not politically correct

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time …" -A southern fairytale begins

"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit….

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

When Insults Had Class

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great Pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a Friend.... If you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... If there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"She's only 25, but she has the wisdom of a much younger woman." - Dr. House

"It's wrong to say that he is always blathering nonsense; sometimes, he's asleep." - Anon

Some Religious Humor

3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"